Pain and Suffering

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

I don't know who said it first, but it is true. Unfortunately many, if not most in our society, have forgotten this. Though they do sometimes walk hand in hand, there is a difference between the two. There is no greater proof of this than in childbirth and the raising of children.

First of all, I take it as a given that giving birth is painful. There are studies to suggest that, in some cultures, this isn't the case, and some women claim that they have had pain free births. I'm not certain I believe them, but I'm not calling them liars, either. I take it to mean that they have experienced a birth that had pain, but that they didn't suffer during the birth. You can argue with me, if you like, but having been through childbirth twice, and one miscarriage, I will beg to differ. Let's agree to disagree, and call it a day.

There are ways to suffer that have nothing to do with physical pain. If you're a parent long enough, you're going to find that out the hard way. The first time your child has his or her heart broken, you're going to suffer right along with them. The first night my daughters slept through the night, I woke up thinking that they had died while I was sleeping, and I suffered agonies until I realized that they weren't dead, just sleeping. It's this kind of thing that I mean.

Then, there's the pain without actual suffering, stubbing your toe, tripping over the dog. They are usually short lived, and quickly forgotten.

Here we come to childbirth. For many, it's relatively long lasting. Since it varies so widely, there really isn't any sense of how long it goes on. This is why, I think at least, we conceive of it as suffering, and not just pain. Are we really suffering? Does the pain not have a purpose? Did we not choose to have a child, and thus are we not going through this painful process in full knowledge of what we're doing it for?

I think that maybe, it's time for a new paradigm of birth. If you believe in the Judeo-Christian mythology, you are doomed to suffer childbirth in pain as a penance for Eve's sin? Maybe that makes it worse, this idea that the child was somehow begotten in sin, and that you need to suffer for it. That idea is ingrained in our culture, and the idea is almost impossible to shake.

Maybe we have heard one too many horrifying birth stories, where the teller, usually the mother, tells us about how horrible it was. "Take the epidural," she says. "You won't be sorry." That sort of comment makes us fearful, we become afraid of the pain, and the implied suffering behind it. We look forward to the birth with a sense of awe, that we're going to finally meet this new little person, and with profound dread. "Can I handle the pain? Oh my god, I hate pain, I'm lousy at handling pain. There's going to be so much pain!"

This fear that we are going to suffer, agonies untold, make the pain worse, and the suffering very real. Instead, can't we see this as something other than suffering? Can't we see that this, like other pains, will pass. It will be replaced by a new family and new love to be had and give. This is just a moment it time, all we need to do is let it happen and pass us by.

Let go of the fear. It serves no purpose at this point, and makes it far more likely that we will suffer, and that this will turn into an experience we wish to forget. We want this to be a memory to cherish, to visit over an over, seeing it with the eyes of wonder and awe with which it deserves.