I have moved. It's taken me a long time, but I'm finally in my new house. Now, I'm looking at all the boxes, and wondering where I got all this crap, and where I'm going to put it all. This has led me to think about priorities, and how we choose to view things.
Since this is my Blog, and I can rant if I want to, I'm going to climb on my soapbox and rant for a while.
As women, we often haul about expectations that are unreasonable. I found this out three weeks ago, when I got a look at my new home. It's definitely a "fixer upper." As we were attempting to make a dent in the mess, a friend looked at me and said, "It's gonna be GREAT!"
I've thought about that a lot recently, and I start to see where I went wrong. It's not that I was afraid of the work, nor was it that I didn't know the possibilities. I looked at what I had wanted, and how it differed from what I got, and it colored everything that I saw.
Women do that a lot when it comes to the births of our children. Some, at least, look at the way we give birth, compare it to the way we wanted it to be, or the way our friends experience it, and see only what went "wrong."
We have, in our arms, a brand new life. We nurtured that life, and carried it under our hearts for 280 days. We dreamed about this little person. We changed the way we lived to accommodate this person, and we are disappointed because we had a Cesarean, or felt that the doctor pushed something on us we didn't really want. Some are disappointed that we couldn't have the Water Birth, or Home Birth we desired, or we feel like our bodies betrayed us because we found it necessary to have a procedure that we didn't anticipate.
Let's try to look at it another way. What's coming ahead is going to be great! The first gummy smile is going to send you over the moon. Her first word or his first steps are going to be parts of a grand adventure. In the years ahead, you are going to be elated in ways that you could never have imagined, and it's all because of this little person that you and your partner helped create. In my humble opinion, that is way, way more important than the manner he or she came into the world.
I want you to have the birth that you want, and I, and women like me, all over the world are there to help you make that happen. It's and honor and a privilege to help, and we want it for you as badly as you want it. If it doesn't work out exactly like you want it to, or if what you envisioned has nothing to do with what you got, I still have one thing to say.
It's gonna be great!!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Changes
I have, for the past 3 weeks, been moving. This has been very hard for me, because I really, and I mean really, don't like change. Change is hard for all of us, but for some it's particularly difficult.
Why is that? Why are some of us like Gumby, able to bend into impossible positions, and some aren't? Why do some of us take to change easily, and why am I not one of them? Also, how does this relate to being a Doula?
Wait for it, it's coming....
Being a Doula is all about change. Being pregnant and giving birth is all about change. Our bodies change, our spirits change, our lives change. Whether it's the first child, or the fifth, our families change.
We, as women, are constantly changing. The entire cycle of our lives is about change. Our bodies, because of the ebb and flow of hormones, are constant agents of change in this world. We go in and out like the tides, never the same from one moment to the next. It's part of who we are, and what we must be to create new life. We have to be ready to change in order to be ready to receive what comes.
It's the one thing about us that drives the men in our lives crazy, isn't it?? This unrelenting change that goes on within us. It only stands to reason that our internal changes manifest on the outside as well. No matter how it hurts, or how much havoc it causes, this is who we are and what we must be.
What it boils down to is that I have to embrace the changes in my life. One reason I have such difficulty accepting change in my life may be that there are so many internal changes, and I need control of the external to feel comfortable with the internal. Maybe, though, I just hate the disorder that change brings.
Why is that? Why are some of us like Gumby, able to bend into impossible positions, and some aren't? Why do some of us take to change easily, and why am I not one of them? Also, how does this relate to being a Doula?
Wait for it, it's coming....
Being a Doula is all about change. Being pregnant and giving birth is all about change. Our bodies change, our spirits change, our lives change. Whether it's the first child, or the fifth, our families change.
We, as women, are constantly changing. The entire cycle of our lives is about change. Our bodies, because of the ebb and flow of hormones, are constant agents of change in this world. We go in and out like the tides, never the same from one moment to the next. It's part of who we are, and what we must be to create new life. We have to be ready to change in order to be ready to receive what comes.
It's the one thing about us that drives the men in our lives crazy, isn't it?? This unrelenting change that goes on within us. It only stands to reason that our internal changes manifest on the outside as well. No matter how it hurts, or how much havoc it causes, this is who we are and what we must be.
What it boils down to is that I have to embrace the changes in my life. One reason I have such difficulty accepting change in my life may be that there are so many internal changes, and I need control of the external to feel comfortable with the internal. Maybe, though, I just hate the disorder that change brings.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Birth Stories
I have, recently, been required to look at the birth of my eldest daughter in a different way. It was, in some ways, easier than I anticipated, but in others, much harder than I could have imagined.
In one way, it was easier. Looking back at it, 28 years after it happened, I find that it was really, less traumatic than I thought. On the other hand, I was forced to face the fact that I made very few actual choices, and was not at all proactive in something that was so important. I'm not being hard on myself when I say that, the fact is that, at that point in time, there were fewer choices and the choices that I had were much harder to locate.
Still, I didn't look for the ones I had, and I just blindly followed the doctors suggestions. I allowed him to make my choices for me. Needless to say, this didn't provide the warm and fuzzy birth that women are told that we should look forward to.
This has made me think of birth stories that I have recently heard. Women are so very hard on themselves. We have very strong perfectionist streaks, and blame ourselves for things that we have no control over. We want perfect birth experiences, and if we don't get them, we beat ourselves up over what we seem to consider our failures. Are they really our failures?
Let's look at this another way, okay?? First of all, despite what we think, our body's functions are not entirely within our control. We cannot decide when, or how fast, our cervices dilate. We cannot choose how our bodies, or the baby's body will respond to the stress of labor and delivery. We can't choose how others will react, nor can we choose what options they will offer during labor and delivery. We can make wise choices in regard to who we have attending us.
It is YOUR choice. You have the right to ask questions and to have those questions answered. If you don't want an episiotomy, then ask the episiotomy rate. If you don't want pain killers or other medications, ask for those rates as well. You are the consumer, it's your birth and your day. You are giving birth to a new family, and you have the right to what you want.
Also, remember, If things don't go the way you want, be kind to yourself. Births come in all forms, shapes and sizes. A Caesarian Birth is still a birth, as are births with episiotomies, epidurals, and other interventions. If you don't give birth in a perfect way, you still used your body to grow and nurture new life. That is something to be proud of.
In one way, it was easier. Looking back at it, 28 years after it happened, I find that it was really, less traumatic than I thought. On the other hand, I was forced to face the fact that I made very few actual choices, and was not at all proactive in something that was so important. I'm not being hard on myself when I say that, the fact is that, at that point in time, there were fewer choices and the choices that I had were much harder to locate.
Still, I didn't look for the ones I had, and I just blindly followed the doctors suggestions. I allowed him to make my choices for me. Needless to say, this didn't provide the warm and fuzzy birth that women are told that we should look forward to.
This has made me think of birth stories that I have recently heard. Women are so very hard on themselves. We have very strong perfectionist streaks, and blame ourselves for things that we have no control over. We want perfect birth experiences, and if we don't get them, we beat ourselves up over what we seem to consider our failures. Are they really our failures?
Let's look at this another way, okay?? First of all, despite what we think, our body's functions are not entirely within our control. We cannot decide when, or how fast, our cervices dilate. We cannot choose how our bodies, or the baby's body will respond to the stress of labor and delivery. We can't choose how others will react, nor can we choose what options they will offer during labor and delivery. We can make wise choices in regard to who we have attending us.
It is YOUR choice. You have the right to ask questions and to have those questions answered. If you don't want an episiotomy, then ask the episiotomy rate. If you don't want pain killers or other medications, ask for those rates as well. You are the consumer, it's your birth and your day. You are giving birth to a new family, and you have the right to what you want.
Also, remember, If things don't go the way you want, be kind to yourself. Births come in all forms, shapes and sizes. A Caesarian Birth is still a birth, as are births with episiotomies, epidurals, and other interventions. If you don't give birth in a perfect way, you still used your body to grow and nurture new life. That is something to be proud of.
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