If you are one of the millions of people out there who wave the flag and say "America, love it or leave it," read no further. Really, I mean it, don't go any further than this. You're going to get angry.
You can't say you weren't warned!
There are those that say that America is the greatest country that there is. I'm not going to argue that point. What are we greatest at? We do have a fantastic military. We go to foreign shores and fight for the rights of others. We also have among the highest maternal and infant death rates in the developed world. We have the highest Caesarean rates in the developed world. We have the among the highest teenage pregnancy rates in the developed world. We have millions of women that can't afford birth control, yet our insurance companies fund Viagra for men that can't have sex. Is this really what we want to be great at?
I could go on, but what's the point?? I know, mandatory health care is expensive, it's unconstitutional, blah, blah, blah...
Of course it's expensive... The way the health insurance companies have it set up, it costs more money than it has to. There are people making tons of money betting on the health of others and denying care, that others need to live. They deny women birth control because it's too expensive. Tell me, is it more expensive to prevent pregnancy, or to raise a child?? Hmmm... let's think about that...
On the day that celebrates the birth of our country, let's think about priorities. We are all up in arms about the oil spill in the gulf. We should be, it's a horrible situation. The oil is destroying an entire ecosystem. Why, however, are we not as concerned about the millions of women and girls whose lives are toyed with by corporations for profit? Are birds and fish more important than children and the women who give birth and care for them??
As you're watching fireworks and eating hamburgers, think about them. Happy Fourth!!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Whatever Happened to Choice?
How often have I heard the words, "I really want a water birth (or insert birth method here), but my doctor won't allow (or my insurance won't cover) it." If I had money for every time, I'd be sitting in Cancun right now, downing Margeritas, supplied by a really good looking Cabana boy. No, really, I would.
Then, there are the responses I get from the question, "Why don't you change doctors?" If I had money for each time I've heard, "But he's a good doctor..." I'd never have to come back. Ever...
We are told to ask questions, we are told to pay attention to the answers, yet we never seem to know what to do with the information we get. We are never told that, if you don't get the answers you want, walk out and find another doctor. If the episiotomy rate is too high, we ask not to be cut during delivery, then act like victims if our wishes aren't heeded. Instead, we should say, "Sorry, your methods don't meet my needs, so I'm leaving now." If we did that, doctors would probably change, insurance companies would change, our lives would change, because they can't make money off of us if we don't use their services, can they.
Ultimately, we are consumers of services. If we take our money elsewhere, what we ask for will be offered more freely because they have no choice. We, as women, are reluctant to use the power we do have to affect change. Why do we buy what's offered instead of what we want? Isn't it an insult for doctors to expect us to just put up with what they want to give us, and not walk out the door?
There are many forms of insulting women. Doctors do it all the time. One that I see most frequently, is that doctors limit women's choices, depending on what would be easiest or best for them, and telling women that it's for their own good. A doctor that tells a woman that, she can't have a water birth because she's "high risk," is basically telling the woman that she's not capable of deciding what's best for herself. When a doctor tells a woman that she has to have an IV port put in at the beginning of labor because "something might go wrong" is telling the women in her care that she's way smarter than they are, and that they can't judge for themselves how they want to have their baby. In my opinion, they're also insisting on the port to cover their own ass. in case they don't see the signs of distress early enough.
I'm not saying that no intervention is best in every situation. I am not saying that precautions should not be used to safeguard the life of the mother and child. If you have a risk factor, such as gestational diabetes or high blood pressure, such precautions are beneficial. However, if there are no risk factors, routine use of interventions such as an IV port, episiotomy, or medications for pain or labor progression shouldn't be used. At the very least, under these conditions, the laboring mother's wishes should prevail over medical convenience.
We, as women, need to demand choice. We need to make it clear that we, not the doctors or our partners, are in charge of our bodies. We need to start advocating for ourselves, in advance of the birth, for what we want. We need to ask questions, demand adequate answers, and act decisively on the answers we get. We also must be wise, and take medical advise, not just when that advise agrees with what we want, but when the situation dictates.
As women, we have choices that we don't follow through on. If we don't like a doctor, we tend to stay because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We accept what's offered instead of changing. We are not victims of the medical profession, we are consumers of services that can gain change and choices by walking out on those that don't provide what we want.
Then, there are the responses I get from the question, "Why don't you change doctors?" If I had money for each time I've heard, "But he's a good doctor..." I'd never have to come back. Ever...
We are told to ask questions, we are told to pay attention to the answers, yet we never seem to know what to do with the information we get. We are never told that, if you don't get the answers you want, walk out and find another doctor. If the episiotomy rate is too high, we ask not to be cut during delivery, then act like victims if our wishes aren't heeded. Instead, we should say, "Sorry, your methods don't meet my needs, so I'm leaving now." If we did that, doctors would probably change, insurance companies would change, our lives would change, because they can't make money off of us if we don't use their services, can they.
Ultimately, we are consumers of services. If we take our money elsewhere, what we ask for will be offered more freely because they have no choice. We, as women, are reluctant to use the power we do have to affect change. Why do we buy what's offered instead of what we want? Isn't it an insult for doctors to expect us to just put up with what they want to give us, and not walk out the door?
There are many forms of insulting women. Doctors do it all the time. One that I see most frequently, is that doctors limit women's choices, depending on what would be easiest or best for them, and telling women that it's for their own good. A doctor that tells a woman that, she can't have a water birth because she's "high risk," is basically telling the woman that she's not capable of deciding what's best for herself. When a doctor tells a woman that she has to have an IV port put in at the beginning of labor because "something might go wrong" is telling the women in her care that she's way smarter than they are, and that they can't judge for themselves how they want to have their baby. In my opinion, they're also insisting on the port to cover their own ass. in case they don't see the signs of distress early enough.
I'm not saying that no intervention is best in every situation. I am not saying that precautions should not be used to safeguard the life of the mother and child. If you have a risk factor, such as gestational diabetes or high blood pressure, such precautions are beneficial. However, if there are no risk factors, routine use of interventions such as an IV port, episiotomy, or medications for pain or labor progression shouldn't be used. At the very least, under these conditions, the laboring mother's wishes should prevail over medical convenience.
We, as women, need to demand choice. We need to make it clear that we, not the doctors or our partners, are in charge of our bodies. We need to start advocating for ourselves, in advance of the birth, for what we want. We need to ask questions, demand adequate answers, and act decisively on the answers we get. We also must be wise, and take medical advise, not just when that advise agrees with what we want, but when the situation dictates.
As women, we have choices that we don't follow through on. If we don't like a doctor, we tend to stay because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We accept what's offered instead of changing. We are not victims of the medical profession, we are consumers of services that can gain change and choices by walking out on those that don't provide what we want.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Pain and Suffering
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
I don't know who said it first, but it is true. Unfortunately many, if not most in our society, have forgotten this. Though they do sometimes walk hand in hand, there is a difference between the two. There is no greater proof of this than in childbirth and the raising of children.
First of all, I take it as a given that giving birth is painful. There are studies to suggest that, in some cultures, this isn't the case, and some women claim that they have had pain free births. I'm not certain I believe them, but I'm not calling them liars, either. I take it to mean that they have experienced a birth that had pain, but that they didn't suffer during the birth. You can argue with me, if you like, but having been through childbirth twice, and one miscarriage, I will beg to differ. Let's agree to disagree, and call it a day.
There are ways to suffer that have nothing to do with physical pain. If you're a parent long enough, you're going to find that out the hard way. The first time your child has his or her heart broken, you're going to suffer right along with them. The first night my daughters slept through the night, I woke up thinking that they had died while I was sleeping, and I suffered agonies until I realized that they weren't dead, just sleeping. It's this kind of thing that I mean.
Then, there's the pain without actual suffering, stubbing your toe, tripping over the dog. They are usually short lived, and quickly forgotten.
Here we come to childbirth. For many, it's relatively long lasting. Since it varies so widely, there really isn't any sense of how long it goes on. This is why, I think at least, we conceive of it as suffering, and not just pain. Are we really suffering? Does the pain not have a purpose? Did we not choose to have a child, and thus are we not going through this painful process in full knowledge of what we're doing it for?
I think that maybe, it's time for a new paradigm of birth. If you believe in the Judeo-Christian mythology, you are doomed to suffer childbirth in pain as a penance for Eve's sin? Maybe that makes it worse, this idea that the child was somehow begotten in sin, and that you need to suffer for it. That idea is ingrained in our culture, and the idea is almost impossible to shake.
Maybe we have heard one too many horrifying birth stories, where the teller, usually the mother, tells us about how horrible it was. "Take the epidural," she says. "You won't be sorry." That sort of comment makes us fearful, we become afraid of the pain, and the implied suffering behind it. We look forward to the birth with a sense of awe, that we're going to finally meet this new little person, and with profound dread. "Can I handle the pain? Oh my god, I hate pain, I'm lousy at handling pain. There's going to be so much pain!"
This fear that we are going to suffer, agonies untold, make the pain worse, and the suffering very real. Instead, can't we see this as something other than suffering? Can't we see that this, like other pains, will pass. It will be replaced by a new family and new love to be had and give. This is just a moment it time, all we need to do is let it happen and pass us by.
Let go of the fear. It serves no purpose at this point, and makes it far more likely that we will suffer, and that this will turn into an experience we wish to forget. We want this to be a memory to cherish, to visit over an over, seeing it with the eyes of wonder and awe with which it deserves.
I don't know who said it first, but it is true. Unfortunately many, if not most in our society, have forgotten this. Though they do sometimes walk hand in hand, there is a difference between the two. There is no greater proof of this than in childbirth and the raising of children.
First of all, I take it as a given that giving birth is painful. There are studies to suggest that, in some cultures, this isn't the case, and some women claim that they have had pain free births. I'm not certain I believe them, but I'm not calling them liars, either. I take it to mean that they have experienced a birth that had pain, but that they didn't suffer during the birth. You can argue with me, if you like, but having been through childbirth twice, and one miscarriage, I will beg to differ. Let's agree to disagree, and call it a day.
There are ways to suffer that have nothing to do with physical pain. If you're a parent long enough, you're going to find that out the hard way. The first time your child has his or her heart broken, you're going to suffer right along with them. The first night my daughters slept through the night, I woke up thinking that they had died while I was sleeping, and I suffered agonies until I realized that they weren't dead, just sleeping. It's this kind of thing that I mean.
Then, there's the pain without actual suffering, stubbing your toe, tripping over the dog. They are usually short lived, and quickly forgotten.
Here we come to childbirth. For many, it's relatively long lasting. Since it varies so widely, there really isn't any sense of how long it goes on. This is why, I think at least, we conceive of it as suffering, and not just pain. Are we really suffering? Does the pain not have a purpose? Did we not choose to have a child, and thus are we not going through this painful process in full knowledge of what we're doing it for?
I think that maybe, it's time for a new paradigm of birth. If you believe in the Judeo-Christian mythology, you are doomed to suffer childbirth in pain as a penance for Eve's sin? Maybe that makes it worse, this idea that the child was somehow begotten in sin, and that you need to suffer for it. That idea is ingrained in our culture, and the idea is almost impossible to shake.
Maybe we have heard one too many horrifying birth stories, where the teller, usually the mother, tells us about how horrible it was. "Take the epidural," she says. "You won't be sorry." That sort of comment makes us fearful, we become afraid of the pain, and the implied suffering behind it. We look forward to the birth with a sense of awe, that we're going to finally meet this new little person, and with profound dread. "Can I handle the pain? Oh my god, I hate pain, I'm lousy at handling pain. There's going to be so much pain!"
This fear that we are going to suffer, agonies untold, make the pain worse, and the suffering very real. Instead, can't we see this as something other than suffering? Can't we see that this, like other pains, will pass. It will be replaced by a new family and new love to be had and give. This is just a moment it time, all we need to do is let it happen and pass us by.
Let go of the fear. It serves no purpose at this point, and makes it far more likely that we will suffer, and that this will turn into an experience we wish to forget. We want this to be a memory to cherish, to visit over an over, seeing it with the eyes of wonder and awe with which it deserves.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Unplugging
When was the last time you unplugged from the world? Really unplugged, I mean. When was the last time you turned off the cell phone and the computer, turned off the TV, and just spent time with your mate, your children, or other loved ones? When was the last time you spent time with just yourself? I'll bet you can't remember, can you? It's a fact of modern life, that we, and those we deal with, feel that if they can't get in touch with us at any time of day or night, that there is something wrong.
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? What is it that makes us think we have to be available to others? Is it necessary to be on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Parenting is a 24 hour a day job, but does being an employee, or a daughter, or a patron of the Dry Cleaners need to be? What about time for ourselves, do we not deserve some time to just be? Will the office fall apart if we take an hour or so to nurture our relationship with ourselves or our families?
The last time I asked someone this question, what I got back was a look of profound confusion. "Turn off my phone?" she said. "But what if someone needs me?"
"Then they have to wait, I guess," was my reply.
You would have thought that I had suggested torturing a small animal then staking it out on the front lawn. You would have thought, by her reaction, that I had gone insane and needed to be locked up. Immediately, if not sooner. Yesterday or the day before would be the best option.
Why not unplug for an hour or so a day? Why not tell the world to wait so we can take care of, what we say, is the most important things in our lives? Do our mates, children and ourselves not deserve our undivided attention?
Pregnancy and early motherhood are both introspective times. We need to go into ourselves to find what we need to do our best. We must find what we're made of, so to speak, to learn what's important. How can we do that, when we are constantly dealing with others? How can we take care of ourselves, or relationships and our children if the office, or the dry cleaners, or the nosy neighbors can always intrude?
Even later, when the children are grown, don't our husbands or partners deserve attention as well? We also need to take time for ourselves, away from the grind, to find out who we are away from them. We need to find the core of ourselves, our beliefs and convictions. We need to have a self away from the expectations and demands of others. We need to be whole people, not just somebody's Wife or somebody's Mother.
Women, in general, live longer than men, and children grow up and move out, so when those are gone, who are we? What do we want and need? Unplug for a while and find out.
Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? What is it that makes us think we have to be available to others? Is it necessary to be on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Parenting is a 24 hour a day job, but does being an employee, or a daughter, or a patron of the Dry Cleaners need to be? What about time for ourselves, do we not deserve some time to just be? Will the office fall apart if we take an hour or so to nurture our relationship with ourselves or our families?
The last time I asked someone this question, what I got back was a look of profound confusion. "Turn off my phone?" she said. "But what if someone needs me?"
"Then they have to wait, I guess," was my reply.
You would have thought that I had suggested torturing a small animal then staking it out on the front lawn. You would have thought, by her reaction, that I had gone insane and needed to be locked up. Immediately, if not sooner. Yesterday or the day before would be the best option.
Why not unplug for an hour or so a day? Why not tell the world to wait so we can take care of, what we say, is the most important things in our lives? Do our mates, children and ourselves not deserve our undivided attention?
Pregnancy and early motherhood are both introspective times. We need to go into ourselves to find what we need to do our best. We must find what we're made of, so to speak, to learn what's important. How can we do that, when we are constantly dealing with others? How can we take care of ourselves, or relationships and our children if the office, or the dry cleaners, or the nosy neighbors can always intrude?
Even later, when the children are grown, don't our husbands or partners deserve attention as well? We also need to take time for ourselves, away from the grind, to find out who we are away from them. We need to find the core of ourselves, our beliefs and convictions. We need to have a self away from the expectations and demands of others. We need to be whole people, not just somebody's Wife or somebody's Mother.
Women, in general, live longer than men, and children grow up and move out, so when those are gone, who are we? What do we want and need? Unplug for a while and find out.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Henry Ford, Frank Herbert, And the Process of Giving Birth
Henry Ford said, “Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.” It's absolutely true with the process of giving birth. Want to know how? Read on...
From the time we are small, women are told that giving birth hurts. As a matter of fact it does. It hurts a lot. I've been there, and you won't hear me telling you any differently. We are also told, that it hurts so much, that we're going to need pain medications, like epidurals, in order to stand the pain. This much is NOT true. I know this for a fact as well. My baby number 2 was born without any pain medications at all.
So, did baby number 2 hurt any less than baby number 1? I doubt it. It was probably the same. There was one big, huge, gigantic difference, though. My second daughter was born after the first one. (Here's where you day "Duhhhh" and we can get on with the lesson.)
You see, when I went into labor the second time, I wasn't as afraid. I knew what to expect, and since I had been through it before, I hadn't had to listen to the "Oh God, you're gonna want to DIE!!" stories for the previous nine months. I was better prepared for the pain, and I knew that I could make it through without the drugs.
Voila!! Henry Ford was proven right. The first time, I thought I needed the meds, and I did. The second time, I knew just as surely that I didn't, and I didn't. As a matter of fact, I was so certain that I wouldn't need the meds, that I resisted some very serious pressure from the hospital staff to take the medications, and did without the medications anyway.
Amazing, isn't it? The way the mind works in these kinds of things is almost diabolical.
Frank Herbert, in the book Dune makes one very astute observation. He says “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear... And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear is gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
In my humble opinion, it's not the pain that does us in, it's the fear of the pain. It's the fear of the situation we're going into, and the fear that we're going to decide wrong. We are afraid that we can't handle what's coming, and we are afraid to question those that we think "know best." Yet, if what others are urging us in a different direction than we want to go, we often question ourselves, and not the other person. It's as if trusting ourselves is so much harder than trusting someone else.
Do we think so little of ourselves and our abilities that we can't see that we are the best judge for us? Why are we so afraid of a natural process? Women have been doing this for thousands upon thousands of years, and it's only in the past 50 or so years, that we have felt the need for the massive amounts of medical interventions.
Do not be afraid of birth. Yes, there is pain, and things don't always go as planned. I will tell you this... If we trust ourselves and walk boldly and fearlessly into the world, things will go far better for us in the end.
From the time we are small, women are told that giving birth hurts. As a matter of fact it does. It hurts a lot. I've been there, and you won't hear me telling you any differently. We are also told, that it hurts so much, that we're going to need pain medications, like epidurals, in order to stand the pain. This much is NOT true. I know this for a fact as well. My baby number 2 was born without any pain medications at all.
So, did baby number 2 hurt any less than baby number 1? I doubt it. It was probably the same. There was one big, huge, gigantic difference, though. My second daughter was born after the first one. (Here's where you day "Duhhhh" and we can get on with the lesson.)
You see, when I went into labor the second time, I wasn't as afraid. I knew what to expect, and since I had been through it before, I hadn't had to listen to the "Oh God, you're gonna want to DIE!!" stories for the previous nine months. I was better prepared for the pain, and I knew that I could make it through without the drugs.
Voila!! Henry Ford was proven right. The first time, I thought I needed the meds, and I did. The second time, I knew just as surely that I didn't, and I didn't. As a matter of fact, I was so certain that I wouldn't need the meds, that I resisted some very serious pressure from the hospital staff to take the medications, and did without the medications anyway.
Amazing, isn't it? The way the mind works in these kinds of things is almost diabolical.
Frank Herbert, in the book Dune makes one very astute observation. He says “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear... And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear is gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
In my humble opinion, it's not the pain that does us in, it's the fear of the pain. It's the fear of the situation we're going into, and the fear that we're going to decide wrong. We are afraid that we can't handle what's coming, and we are afraid to question those that we think "know best." Yet, if what others are urging us in a different direction than we want to go, we often question ourselves, and not the other person. It's as if trusting ourselves is so much harder than trusting someone else.
Do we think so little of ourselves and our abilities that we can't see that we are the best judge for us? Why are we so afraid of a natural process? Women have been doing this for thousands upon thousands of years, and it's only in the past 50 or so years, that we have felt the need for the massive amounts of medical interventions.
Do not be afraid of birth. Yes, there is pain, and things don't always go as planned. I will tell you this... If we trust ourselves and walk boldly and fearlessly into the world, things will go far better for us in the end.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Finding Our Center
Madeleine Albright said, “Engagement does not mean endorsement.” I happen to agree with that. We, as women, can engage and discuss without saying that whatever we are discussing is right or wrong. We can talk about something without giving permission for someone to go out and do it.
I was reading and article today about teens and sexuality. It would appear that, in the US, the teen pregnancy rates are up, (again) and that the use of birth control is down. Somewhere, teens have gotten the idea that the "rhythm method" of birth control is just as effective as condoms.
Oh, joy. While, as a Doula, that means that there is a good chance I'll be getting more business, it's really business I can do without. I don't consider this good news at all. I had my first child at eighteen, and it was hard. I don't recommend it for anyone else, and I can't even imagine being younger and having a child.
So, how do we change this perception? What do we need to do in order to change this trend, and reverse these rates? It's a very simple answer, and one that many in the US oppose.
Education and access to reliable birth control.
Now, here's the sticky wicket, and where we lose many people, most of them Conservatives. They believe that sex education belongs in the home, and they don't want the public education system involved in it. I can see the point of that argument. I see where it's the best way to proceed with this problem. There is a bigger problem, though, Most people don't educate their children at home. It simply doesn't happen. I can't say it any clearer than that.
We have to ensure that the playing field is level. We have to ensure that young men and women are learning the basic facts they need to make and informed decision. To do any less is doing our young people and immense disservice. It's sending them into the world without a basis in fact, and a way to make decisions, and determine for themselves what they want to do. Would you advocate sending your teenage daughter or son out into the world without knowing how to read? That's what we're doing.
We are sending people out, telling them to form bonds, make attachments, and have relationships, and they are functionally illiterate in the matters of love and sex. They don't know the difference between love and sex because we never teach them that there is a difference, much less what the difference is. We don't teach them the basic respect for themselves and each other that lead to good relationships. We don't teach them, that if you don't know someone well enough to talk about sex, then you shouldn't be having sex.
If we don't trust our kids to be making these decisions, why don't we? Mostly because we know they are ignorant, and we are afraid that if we gives them facts, we are also giving them permission. That sounds crazy to me. After all, are we giving them permission when we keep them ignorant? They're doing it anyway.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Priorities
I have moved. It's taken me a long time, but I'm finally in my new house. Now, I'm looking at all the boxes, and wondering where I got all this crap, and where I'm going to put it all. This has led me to think about priorities, and how we choose to view things.
Since this is my Blog, and I can rant if I want to, I'm going to climb on my soapbox and rant for a while.
As women, we often haul about expectations that are unreasonable. I found this out three weeks ago, when I got a look at my new home. It's definitely a "fixer upper." As we were attempting to make a dent in the mess, a friend looked at me and said, "It's gonna be GREAT!"
I've thought about that a lot recently, and I start to see where I went wrong. It's not that I was afraid of the work, nor was it that I didn't know the possibilities. I looked at what I had wanted, and how it differed from what I got, and it colored everything that I saw.
Women do that a lot when it comes to the births of our children. Some, at least, look at the way we give birth, compare it to the way we wanted it to be, or the way our friends experience it, and see only what went "wrong."
We have, in our arms, a brand new life. We nurtured that life, and carried it under our hearts for 280 days. We dreamed about this little person. We changed the way we lived to accommodate this person, and we are disappointed because we had a Cesarean, or felt that the doctor pushed something on us we didn't really want. Some are disappointed that we couldn't have the Water Birth, or Home Birth we desired, or we feel like our bodies betrayed us because we found it necessary to have a procedure that we didn't anticipate.
Let's try to look at it another way. What's coming ahead is going to be great! The first gummy smile is going to send you over the moon. Her first word or his first steps are going to be parts of a grand adventure. In the years ahead, you are going to be elated in ways that you could never have imagined, and it's all because of this little person that you and your partner helped create. In my humble opinion, that is way, way more important than the manner he or she came into the world.
I want you to have the birth that you want, and I, and women like me, all over the world are there to help you make that happen. It's and honor and a privilege to help, and we want it for you as badly as you want it. If it doesn't work out exactly like you want it to, or if what you envisioned has nothing to do with what you got, I still have one thing to say.
It's gonna be great!!
Since this is my Blog, and I can rant if I want to, I'm going to climb on my soapbox and rant for a while.
As women, we often haul about expectations that are unreasonable. I found this out three weeks ago, when I got a look at my new home. It's definitely a "fixer upper." As we were attempting to make a dent in the mess, a friend looked at me and said, "It's gonna be GREAT!"
I've thought about that a lot recently, and I start to see where I went wrong. It's not that I was afraid of the work, nor was it that I didn't know the possibilities. I looked at what I had wanted, and how it differed from what I got, and it colored everything that I saw.
Women do that a lot when it comes to the births of our children. Some, at least, look at the way we give birth, compare it to the way we wanted it to be, or the way our friends experience it, and see only what went "wrong."
We have, in our arms, a brand new life. We nurtured that life, and carried it under our hearts for 280 days. We dreamed about this little person. We changed the way we lived to accommodate this person, and we are disappointed because we had a Cesarean, or felt that the doctor pushed something on us we didn't really want. Some are disappointed that we couldn't have the Water Birth, or Home Birth we desired, or we feel like our bodies betrayed us because we found it necessary to have a procedure that we didn't anticipate.
Let's try to look at it another way. What's coming ahead is going to be great! The first gummy smile is going to send you over the moon. Her first word or his first steps are going to be parts of a grand adventure. In the years ahead, you are going to be elated in ways that you could never have imagined, and it's all because of this little person that you and your partner helped create. In my humble opinion, that is way, way more important than the manner he or she came into the world.
I want you to have the birth that you want, and I, and women like me, all over the world are there to help you make that happen. It's and honor and a privilege to help, and we want it for you as badly as you want it. If it doesn't work out exactly like you want it to, or if what you envisioned has nothing to do with what you got, I still have one thing to say.
It's gonna be great!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Changes
I have, for the past 3 weeks, been moving. This has been very hard for me, because I really, and I mean really, don't like change. Change is hard for all of us, but for some it's particularly difficult.
Why is that? Why are some of us like Gumby, able to bend into impossible positions, and some aren't? Why do some of us take to change easily, and why am I not one of them? Also, how does this relate to being a Doula?
Wait for it, it's coming....
Being a Doula is all about change. Being pregnant and giving birth is all about change. Our bodies change, our spirits change, our lives change. Whether it's the first child, or the fifth, our families change.
We, as women, are constantly changing. The entire cycle of our lives is about change. Our bodies, because of the ebb and flow of hormones, are constant agents of change in this world. We go in and out like the tides, never the same from one moment to the next. It's part of who we are, and what we must be to create new life. We have to be ready to change in order to be ready to receive what comes.
It's the one thing about us that drives the men in our lives crazy, isn't it?? This unrelenting change that goes on within us. It only stands to reason that our internal changes manifest on the outside as well. No matter how it hurts, or how much havoc it causes, this is who we are and what we must be.
What it boils down to is that I have to embrace the changes in my life. One reason I have such difficulty accepting change in my life may be that there are so many internal changes, and I need control of the external to feel comfortable with the internal. Maybe, though, I just hate the disorder that change brings.
Why is that? Why are some of us like Gumby, able to bend into impossible positions, and some aren't? Why do some of us take to change easily, and why am I not one of them? Also, how does this relate to being a Doula?
Wait for it, it's coming....
Being a Doula is all about change. Being pregnant and giving birth is all about change. Our bodies change, our spirits change, our lives change. Whether it's the first child, or the fifth, our families change.
We, as women, are constantly changing. The entire cycle of our lives is about change. Our bodies, because of the ebb and flow of hormones, are constant agents of change in this world. We go in and out like the tides, never the same from one moment to the next. It's part of who we are, and what we must be to create new life. We have to be ready to change in order to be ready to receive what comes.
It's the one thing about us that drives the men in our lives crazy, isn't it?? This unrelenting change that goes on within us. It only stands to reason that our internal changes manifest on the outside as well. No matter how it hurts, or how much havoc it causes, this is who we are and what we must be.
What it boils down to is that I have to embrace the changes in my life. One reason I have such difficulty accepting change in my life may be that there are so many internal changes, and I need control of the external to feel comfortable with the internal. Maybe, though, I just hate the disorder that change brings.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Birth Stories
I have, recently, been required to look at the birth of my eldest daughter in a different way. It was, in some ways, easier than I anticipated, but in others, much harder than I could have imagined.
In one way, it was easier. Looking back at it, 28 years after it happened, I find that it was really, less traumatic than I thought. On the other hand, I was forced to face the fact that I made very few actual choices, and was not at all proactive in something that was so important. I'm not being hard on myself when I say that, the fact is that, at that point in time, there were fewer choices and the choices that I had were much harder to locate.
Still, I didn't look for the ones I had, and I just blindly followed the doctors suggestions. I allowed him to make my choices for me. Needless to say, this didn't provide the warm and fuzzy birth that women are told that we should look forward to.
This has made me think of birth stories that I have recently heard. Women are so very hard on themselves. We have very strong perfectionist streaks, and blame ourselves for things that we have no control over. We want perfect birth experiences, and if we don't get them, we beat ourselves up over what we seem to consider our failures. Are they really our failures?
Let's look at this another way, okay?? First of all, despite what we think, our body's functions are not entirely within our control. We cannot decide when, or how fast, our cervices dilate. We cannot choose how our bodies, or the baby's body will respond to the stress of labor and delivery. We can't choose how others will react, nor can we choose what options they will offer during labor and delivery. We can make wise choices in regard to who we have attending us.
It is YOUR choice. You have the right to ask questions and to have those questions answered. If you don't want an episiotomy, then ask the episiotomy rate. If you don't want pain killers or other medications, ask for those rates as well. You are the consumer, it's your birth and your day. You are giving birth to a new family, and you have the right to what you want.
Also, remember, If things don't go the way you want, be kind to yourself. Births come in all forms, shapes and sizes. A Caesarian Birth is still a birth, as are births with episiotomies, epidurals, and other interventions. If you don't give birth in a perfect way, you still used your body to grow and nurture new life. That is something to be proud of.
In one way, it was easier. Looking back at it, 28 years after it happened, I find that it was really, less traumatic than I thought. On the other hand, I was forced to face the fact that I made very few actual choices, and was not at all proactive in something that was so important. I'm not being hard on myself when I say that, the fact is that, at that point in time, there were fewer choices and the choices that I had were much harder to locate.
Still, I didn't look for the ones I had, and I just blindly followed the doctors suggestions. I allowed him to make my choices for me. Needless to say, this didn't provide the warm and fuzzy birth that women are told that we should look forward to.
This has made me think of birth stories that I have recently heard. Women are so very hard on themselves. We have very strong perfectionist streaks, and blame ourselves for things that we have no control over. We want perfect birth experiences, and if we don't get them, we beat ourselves up over what we seem to consider our failures. Are they really our failures?
Let's look at this another way, okay?? First of all, despite what we think, our body's functions are not entirely within our control. We cannot decide when, or how fast, our cervices dilate. We cannot choose how our bodies, or the baby's body will respond to the stress of labor and delivery. We can't choose how others will react, nor can we choose what options they will offer during labor and delivery. We can make wise choices in regard to who we have attending us.
It is YOUR choice. You have the right to ask questions and to have those questions answered. If you don't want an episiotomy, then ask the episiotomy rate. If you don't want pain killers or other medications, ask for those rates as well. You are the consumer, it's your birth and your day. You are giving birth to a new family, and you have the right to what you want.
Also, remember, If things don't go the way you want, be kind to yourself. Births come in all forms, shapes and sizes. A Caesarian Birth is still a birth, as are births with episiotomies, epidurals, and other interventions. If you don't give birth in a perfect way, you still used your body to grow and nurture new life. That is something to be proud of.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Trusting Ourselves
It amazes me how little we, as women, trust ourselves. When someone else says that we feel a certain way about ourselves, we trust their opinion more than we trust our own. When it comes to our bodies, we trust doctors, husbands and people that we haven't even met, more than we trust what we feel.
Why is that? Why do we so totally discount what our bodies tell us, if others are telling us something different? Is it because we consider them more important than we are? Do we think that they are smarter or better educated about our bodies than we could possibly be?? We live in our bodies 24/7 yet others know it better than we do? Why do we think that's the case?
As a Doula, I talk to women a lot. When you're pregnant, it's only natural to read everything you can about pregnancy and babies. When I was pregnant, I did the same. I wanted to know what was best for me, for the baby, and how to give my family the best start possible. Here's the problem, and it's a big one... The experts don't always agree.
Yep, you heard me right, they don't agree. They never have, and they never will. When I was a baby, I was started on solid food almost immediately. Two weeks after I was born, My mother was mixing a bit of cereal into my formula, and I was gulping it down like candy. Now, they tell you that solid food before the age of 6 months is harmful to the baby. It will cause obesity, allergies, and all manner of evil things.
Here's the rub, since they started giving this advice, obesity rates in children are up, and so are allergy rates.
I'm not saying that they're wrong, I'm saying that perhaps they don't have the whole picture. I'm also not saying that, when it comes to your child, children, or yourself, you shouldn't trust those that call themselves experts. They have a lot to say, and they are often right. What I am trying to say, is that you need to trust yourself as well.
We, as women, are not stupid. We are not uninformed and we do not need to follow, blindly, every piece of advice we're given. The Divine, whether you call it Jehovah, Allah or the Earth Mother, (this isn't and all inclusive list) gave each and every one of us a brain. We have feelings and intuitions as well. When it comes to birth or child rearing, we need to do things that we think best, not because the doctors are telling us to, but because we have decided that it's the best way for us.
Come to think of it, that's really not bad advice in other areas of life as well.
Live, laugh, love...
Why is that? Why do we so totally discount what our bodies tell us, if others are telling us something different? Is it because we consider them more important than we are? Do we think that they are smarter or better educated about our bodies than we could possibly be?? We live in our bodies 24/7 yet others know it better than we do? Why do we think that's the case?
As a Doula, I talk to women a lot. When you're pregnant, it's only natural to read everything you can about pregnancy and babies. When I was pregnant, I did the same. I wanted to know what was best for me, for the baby, and how to give my family the best start possible. Here's the problem, and it's a big one... The experts don't always agree.
Yep, you heard me right, they don't agree. They never have, and they never will. When I was a baby, I was started on solid food almost immediately. Two weeks after I was born, My mother was mixing a bit of cereal into my formula, and I was gulping it down like candy. Now, they tell you that solid food before the age of 6 months is harmful to the baby. It will cause obesity, allergies, and all manner of evil things.
Here's the rub, since they started giving this advice, obesity rates in children are up, and so are allergy rates.
I'm not saying that they're wrong, I'm saying that perhaps they don't have the whole picture. I'm also not saying that, when it comes to your child, children, or yourself, you shouldn't trust those that call themselves experts. They have a lot to say, and they are often right. What I am trying to say, is that you need to trust yourself as well.
We, as women, are not stupid. We are not uninformed and we do not need to follow, blindly, every piece of advice we're given. The Divine, whether you call it Jehovah, Allah or the Earth Mother, (this isn't and all inclusive list) gave each and every one of us a brain. We have feelings and intuitions as well. When it comes to birth or child rearing, we need to do things that we think best, not because the doctors are telling us to, but because we have decided that it's the best way for us.
Come to think of it, that's really not bad advice in other areas of life as well.
Live, laugh, love...
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Birth Professional... Don't try this at home!!
How many times have we watched something, and seen or heard the disclaimer, "We are professionals, Don't Try This A Home!!" The medical profession has been using this disclaimer, in regards to birth, for a long time. My question is this.... Why NOT try this at home? What is it about birthing at home, that scares women so much?
What I hear most is... "I want to be in a hospital if something goes wrong." What, exactly, are you afraid will "go wrong?"
No, really. It's not a rhetorical question, I want to know. What are you afraid of?? You see, it's our fear that keeps us from experiencing the birth of our children as naturally as possible. We read things because, of course, we want to educate ourselves, and so much of what we read scares the living hell out of us. We become frightened and we don't know what to do.
What's safe to eat, what isn't safe to eat, what vitamins does the baby need, will this hurt the baby, will that hurt the baby? Great Googly Moogly... I'm willing at this point, to never leave the house again, and I'm not pregnant. I read what's out there, the advice that is being given to pregnant women and it occurs to me that, 28 years ago, when my first daughter was born, I did everything wrong. It's a wonder that my daughters were born at all. They should have died before birth, or during birth, and how in the world did they survive things like sleeping on their stomachs???
People ask, "Why do I need a Doula?' This is my answer... You need a Doula, or your daughter needs a Doula, or your Best Friend needs a Doula simply because you can't do this alone. You don't need to do this alone. While you're in labor, you need someone there to help and support you. Someone that can help you cut through the fear and make the birth of your family something wonderful.
What I hear most is... "I want to be in a hospital if something goes wrong." What, exactly, are you afraid will "go wrong?"
No, really. It's not a rhetorical question, I want to know. What are you afraid of?? You see, it's our fear that keeps us from experiencing the birth of our children as naturally as possible. We read things because, of course, we want to educate ourselves, and so much of what we read scares the living hell out of us. We become frightened and we don't know what to do.
What's safe to eat, what isn't safe to eat, what vitamins does the baby need, will this hurt the baby, will that hurt the baby? Great Googly Moogly... I'm willing at this point, to never leave the house again, and I'm not pregnant. I read what's out there, the advice that is being given to pregnant women and it occurs to me that, 28 years ago, when my first daughter was born, I did everything wrong. It's a wonder that my daughters were born at all. They should have died before birth, or during birth, and how in the world did they survive things like sleeping on their stomachs???
People ask, "Why do I need a Doula?' This is my answer... You need a Doula, or your daughter needs a Doula, or your Best Friend needs a Doula simply because you can't do this alone. You don't need to do this alone. While you're in labor, you need someone there to help and support you. Someone that can help you cut through the fear and make the birth of your family something wonderful.
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